Yukichan in Wonderland
by The Badfic Fairy
Summary: Yuki falls into Fruits Basket yaoi fandom. Be very afraid. PARODY. Pairing: Just About Everyone x Yuki. Also parodies CLAMP's Miyuki-chan in Wonderland, hence the title.


Disclaimer: _Fruits Basket_ and its characters do not belong to me. Neither does _Miyuki-chan in Wonderland_.

Warnings: Yaoi (lots and lots; hell this fic parodies FB yaoi fandom, for gosh sakes), some het, crossdressing, a huge spoiler that I don't think you'll catch if you don't already know it, spam, spam, eggs and spam. Oh, and incest. Poor Yuki. Oh. PARODY of FB yaoi fandom, _Miyuki-chan in Wonderland_, and... yeah. May not make much sense unless you've seen _Miyuki-chan_, but perservere: there is a reason for everything in life, and this fic is no different.

Also: horrible sex jokes. Horrible, I say.

Additional warning: I wrote this almost two years ago, so... yeah. Good luck.

Yuki-chan in Wonderland

Flower petals whirled around them as he took her hand, meeting her surprised gaze with his own. He whispered her name as he drew closer, touching her cheek gently. Her eyes drifted shut, and just before their lips met he let his own close as well...

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP--

Yuki groaned and groped at the top of his alarm clock, silencing the grating noise emanating from it yet again before sinking back into a light doze. Trying to, at least. There was something bothering him. He couldn't quite figure it out, but it wasn't letting him fall back asleep. Something...

Oh. The sun was in his eyes.

He sat up abruptly. If the sun was in his eyes, that meant--he looked at the alarm clock. 10:32 stared him right in the face in big glowing red numbers. Throwing off his blanket, he bolted to the closet and threw on his uniform, buttoning up the jacket wrong in his haste and having to redo it on his way to the bathroom. Once there, he brushed his teeth with fervor, then ran back to his room and stuffed his homework and books into his briefcase. It didn't occur to him until he got out the door to wonder why Tohru hadn't woken him today.

He ran as hard as he could towards the school, ignoring his burning lungs. If he died, at least he wouldn't get in trouble for being late. Finally, he made it out of the woods and onto the streets, not noticing the conspicuous absence of people. What he did notice was Momiji riding a skateboard alongside him, dressed in a white leotard and bunny ears.

"I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date," he chanted as he pushed the board along. "Ah, I know, I'll take the shortcut!"

A shortcut? Yuki was relieved. Maybe his teachers wouldn't kill him after all. "You--hah--You know a shortcut, Mo--Momiji?" he panted.

Momiji should have been in school too, he realized, and he'd never seen him on a skateboard before, let alone in a leotard. It was strange. So was the giant hole that suddenly appeared in the middle of the sidewalk. Momiji drew ahead of him and skated right into it. Yuki figured it must be the shortcut he'd talking about, so he jumped in after him.

The hole was deep, and Yuki fell for so long he thought about going back to sleep. Before he had the chance to, though, he hit bottom, surprisingly gently. He looked around. He'd landed at the bottom of a wide dirt hole with a door set into it; he couldn't see where he'd fallen in from, but it was still light enough to see, somehow. He stood up and dusted himself off. His legs were bare. For a moment, he panicked. Had he somehow forgotten to put on pants this morning? He snapped his eyes downward to check. Then he froze.

He was clothed in something Ayame would design, a schoolgirl uniform with a skirt that barely kept him decent and a sheer white blouse so tight the buttons strained to keep it closed. He leaned over a little. Thigh-high white stockings held up by garters adorned his legs. White Mary Janes on his feet. He sighed. What was this obsession people had with him in girl's clothes?

"Hah. Just can't stay out of those dresses, can you, Yuki-chan?" came an incredibly irritating voice he knew only too well.

He turned to the source of the voice and found himself face-to-face with one of the strangest sights he'd ever seen. Kyou was glaring at him. That wasn't so strange. That was actually very normal. What was strange was that he was part of the door. His head and naked chest stuck out from the wood, which covered up the rest. Yuki tried to hide his state of dress, but every move he made to cover up one part of himself exposed another part. That was how he found out about the silk panties he was wearing. Giving up, he crossed his arms and glared right back at Kyou, face red.

"Shut up and tell me how I can get out of here, you stupid cat," he growled.

"Tell me why I should, you nasty rat," Kyou hissed back.

Yuki stalked up to the door and narrowed his eyes at Kyou. "For one thing, the sooner I get out of here, the less time we have to spend with each other. This'll help you too, idiot."

"Don't call me that!"

"It's the truth, you're an idiot. Now tell me how to get out of here, idiot, and don't even think about trying to fight me. I'd beat you even if you had arms."

The staring contest continued for a moment more, and then Kyou looked away. Yuki smirked.

"It's... through this door," Kyou admitted, so quietly Yuki could barely hear him. Yuki looked at the door, but he could find neither handles nor knobs, just Kyou's head and upper torso. Just like the stupid cat to tell him to do something that was obviously impossible.

"How do I open it?" he asked. Kyou whipped his head up and glared at Yuki again.

"You turn the knobs, idiot!"

"There _aren't_ any knobs, idiot!"

Kyou narrowed his eyes, then dropped them again. "Yes, there are.," he insisted. "They're right in the middle. You'd think the almighty mouse would see something so obvious."

Yuki glanced at the center of the door, but all he saw was Kyou's chest. "I'm looking," he said, "but all I see is your--oh." He blinked. "So I just--turn them?"

"Yeah," Kyou said, blushing. They were silent for a few moments. Then Kyou growled, "Get it over with! You think I want nasty rats like you hanging around?"

Taking a deep breath, Yuki reached out and placed his hands on Kyou's chest. Kyou gasped. Yuki's eyes widened.

"You... like this?" Yuki squeaked.

"It's a sensitive area, OK? Just shut up and turn them!"

Blushing furiously, Yuki did. With a moan he wanted to attribute to rusty hinges, the door opened to reveal a lush garden. Yuki waited a moment to let his eyesight adjust, then stepped out into the garden. The door swung shut behind him.

In the garden were masses of flowers, beautiful green grass, and Hatsuharu. Yuki blinked. _Two_ Hatsuharus. Both were in skintight leather pants and nothing else, and they were... touching each other. The one on the left was forcing the other one's head back by the hair and biting his neck, while the one on the right was rubbing the other's back. When Haru-on-the-left slid his free hand into the other Haru's pants, Yuki coughed. They paused for a moment, then left off what they were doing and looked at him.

"Oh. Hello, Yuki-chan," Haru-on-the-right said. He smiled and walked towards him. Before he was anywhere close, though, the other Hatsuharu charged and knocked Yuki down. Yuki tried to get out from under him, but he was too heavy.

"Hey, Yuki-chan," the Haru on top of him crooned, leaning his weight on an arm he placed near Yuki's head and grinning. The other Haru flopped down next to them and watched. Yuki gulped. "You remember the legend, the part about the mouse riding the ox?" he continued.

Yuki nodded before realizing that that might not have been a good idea. Haru-on-top-of-him's grin widened as he leaned down. "Wanna try it?" he whispered.

Yuki turned his head to avoid that Haru, only to come face-to-face with the other one. This one stroked his cheek gently and licked his lips, causing a strange double image for Yuki when the first Haru lapped at his neck as if it were a bowl of milk. He addressed the Haru he was looking at, trying to keep calm. This one seemed White, and therefore more likely to help him without demanding something perverted in return.

"H-Haru, how do I get out of here?" he asked, trying to stay calm when the other Haru's fingers started worrying at the hem of his skirt.

Haru thought for a moment, then shrugged. "Dunno. How did you get here?"

Yuki gasped as the other Haru bit his throat, hard. "I fell," he said.

"Oh."

Haru looked up at the sky. The other Haru slipped a hand under Yuki's blouse. Yuki tried again to escape, but Haru grabbed his hands and forced them above his head. He almost shrieked when Haru grabbed his hair and forced their faces together. Before Haru could kiss him, though, a hand slid between their lips and shoved Haru off of Yuki altogether. Yuki looked at the other Haru and gulped; he'd turned Black.

"Hands off," the newly-black Haru growled. "Yuki-chan is mine."

Haru stood up and dusted himself off, grinning like a maniac. "Oh, really?" he laughed. "What'cha gonna do about it, you dumb cow?"

Haru--the second Haru--launched himself at the first, knocking him to the ground. Yuki took the opportunity to jump to his feet and run away, the sounds of... something echoing after him. He didn't want to know.

Yuki ran past insane colors and dancing plantlife until his lungs gave out, then collapsed to the ground, gasping. He looked around and realized there was a table with an inhaler on it, though how it had gotten into the middle of this garden he didn't know. Right now, he didn't care. He grabbed the inhaler and shook it, grateful that it seemed to be his prescription. One puff, and he was feeling a bit better, the air moving through his lungs more freely. He closed his eyes and took several deep breaths, letting the inhaler fall out of his hands. The vines around him were catcalling him, but he ignored them.

When he opened his eyes again, the table seemed much bigger. In fact, so did everything. The inhaler was now as tall as he was, and the flower stalk near one of the table's legs nearly twice that. He sat down to ponder this new development, but before he could form a plan of action a giant hand dropped from the sky and wrapped around him. Yuki froze in terror as the hand lifted him up to face an enormous Akito.

Akito leered at him in a manner far more disturbing than usual. Yuki dropped his gaze out of habit and blanched. Akito was wearing a sin-red _kimono_ embroidered with images of the animals of the zodiac doing unspeakable things to each other. He quickly looked back up.

"Well, what have we here?" Akito drawled. "Have you been playing with things you shouldn't, Yuki-chan?" Akito smiled sadistically. "You need to be punished, Yuki-chan. Very thoroughly."

Yuki closed his eyes and shuddered. He knew exactly what Akito's punishment would be in _this_ place.

"But that will have to wait," Akito continued. "I must see Hatori for my daily injection first."

Akito stuck Yuki securely into the obi of the kimono and headed back in the direction Yuki had come from. Before long they came across the Hatsuharus again, now sans pants. Yuki hid his face in his hands and hoped he would find a way out of this place soon. Thankfully, Akito ignored them and walked on.

Soon they were at a giant table, set as if for a tea ceremony. Yuki could see Hatori slumped over on it, apparently exhausted, and someone else, someone who made his blood curdle. He huddled as far down into Akito's obi as he could, trying to avoid notice. His effort was wasted, though, when Akito plucked him out and flung him straight at one of the most annoying people in Yuki's life.

"You, take care of this," Akito ordered. "Hatori, attend to me."

Caught in midair, Yuki peered up into the face of the one person he did not want to meet in this place.

"Yuki-chan!" Ayame singsonged. "You came all the way here, just to have a tea party with your big brother!"

Ayame hugged Yuki to his face, and Yuki gagged. How could a man wear so much perfume and remain conscious? Ayame giggled and set Yuki down on the table. Yuki immediately turned away from him, only to be greeted with a sight that made him blush. That wasn't how Hatori _usually_ gave injections. And where were Akito's... had this place changed Akito into a... He whipped back around to face Ayame, who was twirling around in happiness, his red overcoat spinning out to reveal that it was the only thing he wore.

"Now, what shall we do to maximize the pleasure my darling brother will get from my company?" he prattled to himself. "Perhaps he would like to have tea with me, and be awed by my fount of knowledge? Of course he would! Pay attention, Yuki-chan! Your brother is going to serve you tea!"

With that, Ayame picked Yuki up and dunked him in the teapot. Yuki sputtered and coughed, unable to help swallowing some of the tea before Ayame lifted him out of the pot and set him back on the table. It was bitter and salty, probably the worst tea he'd ever tasted. Ayame must have made it himself.

"Well, Yuki-chan? Was that not the most amazing tea you've ever tasted?" Ayame smiled.

Yuki was too busy spitting out the taste of said tea to answer, sitting on the edge of the table and leaning over his legs to keep the nausea in check. When his stomach finally stopped spasming, he raised himself up again and looked around. Ayame looked a lot smaller, thank goodness. Yuki guessed he must have returned to his regular size. He looked down at himself to check and sighed. His blouse was see-through now, the tea making it translucent. His skirt was wetly hugging every inch of leg it covered. His brother was staring at him as if he were one of Tohru's snacks. Yuki hastily snapped his legs shut. He glared at Ayame, who started to advance toward him.

"Don't even think about it, Ayame," he warned. "Just tell me how to get out of here."

Ayame put his hand to his forehead and wilted. "My brother doesn't want to bask in the glory of my presence?" he wailed. "It can't be true!"

Yuki rolled his eyes. He didn't have time for this. "Look, Ayame, tell me how to get out of here. I'm really late for school."

Suddenly, Ayame darted right in front of Yuki, smiling. Yuki gulped. He couldn't look away from Ayame's hypnotic gold eyes. "But Yuki-chan," he said in a low, smooth voice, "there's always time for a little men's romance."

Ayame leaned forward. Yuki leaned back until he was lying back on the table, head turned and looking at Ayame out of the corner of his eye, still caught in his spell.

"Y-You're my brother," Yuki protested. "What are you thinking?"

Ayame placed a hand on Yuki's jaw and forced him to face him, slowly closing in for a kiss.

"If you're uncomfortable, Yuki-chan, don't think of it as men's romance. Think of it as... brotherly love. Snakes are _very_ good at eating mice, you know."

The sudden unpleasant image snapped Yuki out of his trance. He shot backwards over the table, only to fall on top of Hatori. He rolled off and would have stood immediately had Hatori not clamped a firm hand on his shoulder. Hatori was wearing his normal suit: Yuki would have thought he was going out for a day on the town had his pants not been around his ankles.

"You should look where you're going, Yuki-chan.," Hatori said without inflection. "Injections have a rhythm, you know, and it's frustrating when that rhythm is broken."

Akito sat up under Hatori, _kimono_ spread wide, then gestured to Yuki and smiled. Yuki gaped. So in this place Akito really was a--

"I'm sure Yuki-chan would be more than happy to help us reestablish our rhythm, don't you think, Hatori?" Akito cooed.

Yuki fled. He ignored Ayame's anguished cries of, "Yuki-chan, wait! You have not yet learned the true taste of joy!" and ran until his lungs started hurting again. Exhausted, he flopped to the ground and looked up at the sky. It was a particularly disturbing shade of purple, complemented by the bright pink sakura blossoms that wafted around in the absence of any breeze. He closed his eyes, wondering again how he was going to get out of this place.

"You seem a little lost," came the voice of yet another annoying person he had to deal with daily.

He opened his eyes. Lounging on the lowest branch of a nearby tree--though he didn't know when or how he'd gotten into a forest--was Shigure, smiling as if he didn't have a care in the world. Knowing Shigure, he probably didn't.

"Do you know a way out of here, Shigure?" he asked.

Shigure stretched his arms over his head and let his eyes rove up and down Yuki's body. Yuki blushed and crossed his arms, daring Shigure to comment.

"Maybe," Shigure drawled. "But you'll have to do something for me, too..."

"What is it?" Yuki asked, patience running on empty

Shigure's smile widened.

"Strip."

Yuki stared.

"Slowly. Make it a show for your dear cousin Shigure."

Yuki had to try four times to get the words out.

"What? Why?" he sputtered.

Shigure shifted, loosening his kimono and slipping a hand inside. "Come now, Yuki-chan. You know how much I like," he gave Yuki a once-over and raised an eyebrow, "high school girls."

After a moment, Yuki stood and brushed himself off. Fine, one striptease, and then he'd finally get out of here. But Shigure was sure as hell not going to make it through his next encounter with Yuki alive.

He lifted his hands to his collar and undid the first button, closing his eyes to keep his mind off of Shigure's... activities. When he opened them again, though, Yuki found that he was not in a forest anymore. Instead, he was in a rose garden, and Tohru's friends Uotani and Hanajima were sitting between two bushes, dressed in lacy black lingerie and painting stones. He blinked, then decided to just let things happen. He didn't know what rules governed this place, and at this point he didn't care. He just wanted out.

"She's coming," Hanajima said, toneless as ever.

"Ah, crap, then let's get this done quick!" Uotani answered.

He moved closer, trying to see what they were doing without attracting their attention or getting too much of an eyeful. Peeking through a hole in the rosebush nearest them, he was able to see that they had a set of stones in front of them, representing each of the zodiac animals, in year order. Both were working furiously to paint what he realized was a cat stone, but before they could finish a figure came out from behind the nearest rosebush.

"Hana-chan, Uo-chan, what are you doing?" came the voice of Yuki's savior.

The girls scrambled to their feet and bowed. Yuki's mouth dropped open as he realized the figure they were bowing to was Tohru, clad in a leather bikini and thigh-high stiletto heels, a bullwhip at her side. He snapped his head to the side, certain that the blood rushing to his face would soon give him an aneurysm.

"We wanted to surprise you and have this cat stone painted by the time you got here. I'm sorry, Tohru-chan," Hanajima said, bowing.

"Yeah, me too.," Uotani added, also bowing. "We just couldn't get it done in time."

Tohru, flustered, ran to her friends and tried to pull them upright. "Ah, Hana-chan, Uo-chan, you don't have to do that!" she twittered. "I should have been doing it myself, oh, I'm so sorry for leaving it all to you--"

Yuki took a deep breath and forced himself out of shock, then rushed towards Tohru, arms outstretched. "Honda-san, help me!" he cried. "I'm really late for school, and I'm trying to find my way out of this place, but nobody will tell me the way and everyone hits on me, even my brother, and the tea is making my clothes itch and I'll do anything for a pair of pants--"

Before he could reach her, Hanajima and Uotani blocked the way, glaring at him.

"Stay away from her."

"How dare you try to touch the Queen of Hearts?"

Yuki could see Tohru jumping up and down behind her friends, trying to see over their shoulders. "Hana-chan, Uo-chan, who is that?"

They turned to her. Yuki took the opportunity to sneak around on Hanajima's side, but the mild shock she sent his way stopped him in his tracks.

"He's no one, Tohru-chan," Hanajima said.

"Don't worry, we'll take care of him."

They shooed her out of the garden. Yuki's heart sank. Would he ever get out of this place? It sank even further when the girls turned to him with now-familiar lustful smiles. Still, he supposed he could live with this. At least they were girls. Uotani circled him, while Hanajima stood in front of him and touched a hand to his face. She turned to Uotani and nodded.

"He has good vibes."

"And he looks pretty good too."

Yuki shuddered. Hanajima turned to him, a quizzical look in her eyes. "Are you frightened?" she asked.

Uotani walked up behind him and clapped him on the shoulder. "Don't worry, we're not gonna do anything to you you don't want us to."

Yuki relaxed. His family was crazy, but these were Tohru's friends, and therefore good people. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, and when he opened them Hanajima had a pair of chopsticks in her hand, a tasty-looking potsticker held between them. Yuki's sudden stomach growl reminded him that he hadn't eaten in almost a day.

"Are you hungry, Yuki-chan?" Hanajima asked.

He nodded and reached for the chopsticks, but Uotani caught his hands and held them behind his back. "Nuh-uh," she said, "you don't get to do that part. Close your eyes and open your mouth."

After a moment's hesitation, Yuki did, his stomach drowning out his brain. He almost gagged when something much larger and more solid than a potsticker was shoved into his mouth. At the same time, something cold and metal snapped closed around his wrists. Yuki opened his eyes and stared into Hanajima's calm face as she tied the ball gag tight behind his head. He whimpered and tried to free his arms, but even the zodiac's mouse can't break handcuffs.

Cool leather slid up his leg and underneath his skirt. Hanajima produced a straight razor out of nowhere and scraped it against his cheek. Yuki shivered. Uotani laughed, a deep, ominous sound.

"We're not gonna do anything you won't want us to... eventually."

Yuki screamed into the gag as Hanajima sliced off the buttons of his blouse one by one. Then he woke up.

He bolted upright, and took several seconds to calm himself before taking stock of the situation. He was in his futon, in his regular pajamas. The room was dark; the clock read 12:32. He must have screamed out loud, because he could hear the stupid cat yelling at him to "Shut up and go back to sleep, damnit." Yuki sighed. What a weird dream. He rubbed his eyes and shakily got to his feet, pausing a moment before stumbling to the door and opening it. Thankfully, the bathroom wasn't far away.

When he got there, he flicked the light switch and groped his way to the sink, eyes shut against the glare. He turned on the faucet and splashed some pleasantly cold water onto his face. Shutting it off, he opened his eyes and stared into the mirror. His pajama top was soaked with sweat, and he could tell the pants weren't much better. He wondered if he should take a bath. He also wondered why his reflection was moving when he wasn't.

Before he had time to think about it, his reflection reached out of the mirror and wrapped its arms around him. Before he had time to protest, it pressed its lips against his, cold and hard. And before he could struggle, Yuki's reflection pulled him into the mirror itself.

He only had time to swear that if he had to wear Mary Janes again, someone was going to die.

The End

Well, I'm glad that's over with.


End file.
